Archive for the 'Terrible Sports “Journalists”' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

With Jeter Out of Way, A-Rod Strives to Make Piniella Sound Gay

Bob Raissman would have you believe that new Cubs manager Lou Piniella loves Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez from his frosted tips to his twinkle toes. Of course, Bob Raissman is an old timey-weightlifter.

Let us do some thirty kilogram lifts!  Hup!  Hup! Hup!Hup!  Hup! Hup!

“Twelve repetitions on each side, Cornelius! Ready? Hup! Hup! Hup!”

Raissman’s article suggests that when Piniella was managing Rodriguez in Seattle, Piniella kissed him, sat in his underwear with him until 2:30-3:00 a.m. to talk about his “swing,” and cried when he left Seattle.

The Good: Rodriguez can opt out of his contract with the Yankees at the end of this season, and Raissman makes it seem that he would like to reunite with his former manager.

The Bad: Piniella and Rodriguez apparently had the same slumber parties that Derek Jeter and Rodriguez had.

The Ugly: Piniella in his underwear.

Cubs Trade Gloves for Bats, Drop Astonishing Number of Fly Balls

MESA, Ariz.–The Chicago Cubs made a trade this offseason, sending all of their gloves away for bats. The move has proven difficult, particularly for the outfielders.

I’m better when I move.

Can I stand here like a statue? I’m better when I stand here like a statue.

Sullivan Quotes F. Scott Fitzgerald; Spinning Sound Heard Coming from Fitzgerald’s Grave

CHICAGO–From the latest article from Tribune writer Paul Sullivan comes the following quote:

F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote: “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see things that are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.”

Soon after Sullivan published the quote, a spinning sound was heard coming from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s grave at St. Mary’s Cemetery in Rockville, Maryland. Descendents of Fitzgerald suggest that the quote was intended to be used only by those who are able to hold even two simple and complementary ideas in mind, and that the use of the quote by Sullivan was causing the spinning sound.

Barrett Puts Suspension, Grotesquely Swollen Scrotum Behind Him

CHICAGO–Cubs catcher Michael Barrett had an interesting 2006 season. He lived the American dream when he punched White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski, a man far too old to be using initials as his first name, right in the face.

Later in the season, he suffered an intrascrotal hematoma, which sounds probably about as bad as it is, when he took a foul ball off the gonads.

Carrie Muskat Muskrat!, as usual, was on the ball(s) with her reporting.

[Barrett] suffered an intrascrotal hematoma, and has vowed to find a cup that provides “bullet-proof” protection. Expect him to be touting a 2007 Barrett model this year.

The Cubs are no strangers to putting a positive spin on an otherwise bleak situation, but expecting the fans to get excited about whether their starting catcher can take a bullet to the penis is a bit much.

The average fan is probably less concerned about whether Barrett’s 2007 cup will be a wraparound “banana-style” cup or a “How exactly are my testes supposed to be positioned in this thing?” triangular-style cup, and are more concerned about questions such as, “Who is the starting center fielder?” and “Jason Marquis? Really?” and “How many Cubs games are going to be on ESPN, and can we make sure Dusty isn’t doing those?” and “Is Ryan Dempster really still the closer?”

On second thought, let’s all talk about Michael Barrett’s beanbags.

Mariotti Argues with Self, Has Heart Attack, Loses Argument

CHICAGO–Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti was hospitalized Wednesday night in New Orleans, where he was on assignment to cover the Sugar Bowl.

Mariotti underwent an angioplasty procedure and insertion of an arterial stent. The columnist is expected to take time off before resuming his role as loudmouth idiot on ESPN’s Around the Horn some time early next month.

In June, Mariotti had a battle of words with White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. The words chosen in the battle were basically just “fag” and “mang” on Guillen’s side, and “me” and “I” on Mariotti’s.

Mariotti
That ain’t no fag, Ozzie. That is pure hetero beef.

Mariotti began experiencing heart problems while watching an tape of Around the Horn from 2005. On the tape, Mariotti circa 2005 said something with which the 2007 version of Mariotti did not agree. Mariotti ver.2007 became enraged, and began screaming at the television. When 2005 Mariotti did not respond to him, but only began talking more loudly and flaring his nostrils more vigorously, ’07 Mariotti threw the furniture in his hotel room around in a tantrum, stressing him to the point where he experienced chest pains and was driven to a local hospital.

In the space normally occupied by Mariotti’s column, the Sun-Times is expected to run a series of photographs depicting animals having violent sex with one another. No one is expected to complain about the change.

ESPN Buys Stock in Toothpicks, Wristbands

The New York Post is reporting that ESPN is close to a deal which would bring Dusty Baker to Baseball Tonight to replace the fired Harold Reynolds. Baker projects to be the first baseball analyst to wear wristbands and chew toothpicks in the studio. In order to make Baker feel welcome, the following changes will be instituted to the program:

  1. Peter Gammons will now chew tobacco in the studio.
  2. There will be a pond stocked with fish inside the studio so Baker can tell “fishing stories.”
  3. ESPN Wednesday baseball will modify the starting lineups so that the starting center fielders will lead off the game, the starting second basemen will bat second, and white players will not be inserted into the lineups until the sun sets.
  4. Tuesday night on Baseball Tonight will be “Hank Aaron Appreciation Night.”
  5. The title of the program will be changed to Baseball Tonight, Dudes.
  6. Web Gems will be replaced with Neifi Gems.

Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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