Archive for the 'The Rest of the Coaching Staff' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

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Piniella’s 2007 Resolutions

While still recovering from a holiday-induced haze, “Fire Lou Piniella!” got a rare opportunity to get an advanced look at Lou Piniella’s list of New Year’s Resolutions. Enjoy.

Father Time

Uncle Time.

  1. Find out if Rothschild has ever actually worn a Cubs jersey under those stupid pajamas he wears to games.
  2. Return Steve Lyons’ wallet.
  3. Cut back on the word “c@#$sucker.” Increase usage of phrase, “bunch of c@#$smoking losers.”
  4. Quit reassuring Hendry that Jason Marquis doesn’t suck.
  5. Finish my autobiography, Living Among Assholes: The Lou Piniella Story.
  6. Fewer temper tantrums, more conniption fits.
  7. Stop hiding my keys and wallet in Trammell’s face.
  8. Be more politically correct, so that mick interim president gets off my back.
  9. Lose a few pounds. Christ, I’m starting to look like Hendry.
  10. Punch Joe Buck in the face with Tim McCarver’s severed hand.

Ryno to Manage, Cindy to Sleep with, Peoria Chiefs

CHICAGO–The Chicago Cubs named Hall of Fame second baseman Ryne Sandberg the new manager of the Cubs’ Class A Peoria Chiefs. Upon hearing the news, Sandberg’s ex-wife Cindy White traveled to Peoria and rented an upscale condominium with a rotating bed and mirrors on the ceilings.

Ryno

Sandberg at his Hall of Fame induction.

Sandberg takes over for former Cub catcher Jody Davis, who led the Chiefs to a 75-64 record last year, and who takes over the Class A Daytona Cubs in 2007. White takes over for Madame Lilly at the Maison LeCub, the most popular brothel in Peoria.

Cindy White (Maybe)

Cindy White (maybe).

“This year, I want to top the 75-win season the Chiefs had last year,” Sandberg said.

“This year, I want to top off at least 75 Chiefs,” White quipped, unbuttoning her blouse. “How many guys are on the team?” she asked, applying pink lip gloss.

There is some speculation that the hiring of Sandberg is the first step on his path to becoming a major league manager. There is also some speculation that this is White’s first step on her path to become the next Paris Hilton.

Cubs Hire Gerry Perry; Julia Guglia Not Amused

CHICAGO–The Cubs hired Gerry Perry to serve as hitting coach during the 2007 campaign, completing new manager Lou Piniella’s coaching staff.

The Cubs interviewed several candidates for the position, including Mary Mary Quite Contrary, Frank the Tank, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and Busta Rhymes.

Local Cubs fan Robbie Hart was asked what he thought of the acquisition. “Gerry Perry! That’s funny!” Hart said. When asked why it was funny, Hart replied, “I don’t know.”

Love stinks.

Robbie Hart: Amused.

Asked about the hiring of Lou Piniella, Hart did not wish to comment. He replied, “Hey, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?” Hart then asked that someone kill him, please.

DeJesus Gives Faith to Cubs Fans, Hangs out with Lepers

CHICAGO–Former Cubs shortstop Ivan DeJesus was named special assistant to Cubs manager Lou Piniella on Monday.  As special assistant, DeJesus’s responsibilities will be as follows:

  1. Turn the dugout water drinking fountain into a wine drinking fountain.
  2. Sit in the bullpen with Michael Wuertz, since no one else will get anywhere near him.Did someone open the Ark of the Covenant?
  3. Walking across and calming Lou Piniella.
  4. Casting out John Mabry.
  5. Laying his hands on Kerry Wood and Mark Prior.
  6. Making Jim Hendry’s ten dozen doughnuts he eats each morning enough to feed the entire team and Hendry.
  7. Flipping over the desk of John McDonough.

Cubs Name 3 More Coaches, Dispelling Rumors That They Are “Bunch of No-Names”

CHICAGO–Lou Piniella added three more coaches to his staff Friday, naming Mike Quade as third base coach, Matt Sinatro as first base coach, and Lester Strode as bullpen coach.

“FLP!” hit the streets to gauge the reaction of Cubs fans to the announcement, with apologies to The Onion.

Cubs Fan #1

Ann Helter, Town Crier

“If we keep spending money on coaches all willy-nilly like this, how are we going to get Neifi to come back?”

Bill Murray

Bill Murray, Alleged Celebrity Fan

“Lester Strode? He is a madman! When he stole that cow, and his friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with that cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it.”

“The Beave” Startman

Ted Kopski, Computer Analyst
“So, they got the guy from Total Recall, a singer, and the slang term for the space between your nuts and your @$$hole to coach this team? That is so Cub.”


Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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