Archive for the 'The Tribune: We Just Keep Polishing Turds' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.


Sullivan Quotes F. Scott Fitzgerald; Spinning Sound Heard Coming from Fitzgerald’s Grave

CHICAGO–From the latest article from Tribune writer Paul Sullivan comes the following quote:

F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote: “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see things that are hopeless and yet be determined to make them otherwise.”

Soon after Sullivan published the quote, a spinning sound was heard coming from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s grave at St. Mary’s Cemetery in Rockville, Maryland. Descendents of Fitzgerald suggest that the quote was intended to be used only by those who are able to hold even two simple and complementary ideas in mind, and that the use of the quote by Sullivan was causing the spinning sound.

Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K

SAN FRANCISCO–While the other Barry in San Francisco is having a rough go of it, Barry Zito is having a most excellent day.

The San Francisco Giants and Zito have reached a preliminary agreement on a bodacious, seven-year, $126 million contract.
Bill and Barry

Eighteen million dollars a year?! Excellent! I’m a flyball pitcher with an outfield with the average age of 62?! Bogus!

Zito had his own number in mind when negotiating his salary, which he asked one Fire Lou Piniella! reporter to guess. When the reporter correctly guessed “69,” Zito said, “Whoa,” and then strummed the air.

When asked about his new contract, Zito said, “The dudes in my band, the Wyld Stallyns, will be most excited about this gnarly fortune. Perhaps we can finally get Eddie Van Halen on guitar.” Zito then hugged his best friend Bill S. Preston, esq., after which both simultaneously called one another “Fag.” Ozzie Guillen could not be reached for comment.

Thief Steals Juan Pierre’s Identity, Grounds Out on Five-Hopper to Second Baseman

CHICAGO–Chicago resident David Dright allegedly took tax documents earlier this year from the offices of SFX Baseball, which negotiates contracts for professional baseball players, making off with the tax information of 91 Major League Baseball players and stealing their identities.

One of Dright’s victims was former Cubs center fielder and current Los Angeles Dodger Juan Pierre. Soon after stealing Pierre’s identity, Dright dribbled a weak grounder to second base and was thrown out by a half step on a 4-3 putout.

Dright also stole the identity of former Cub Moises Alou, now with the New York Mets. Police were able to bait Dright from his hiding place on second base at Wrigley Field by feigning a ground ball when a popup to left field had actually been hit with one out in the inning. Dright was arrested while sprinting around third as the left fielder caught the routine flyout.

Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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