Archive for the 'There’s Plenty of Blame for Rothschild, Too' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

Advertisements

Cubs Hurlers Use Spring to Experiment with New Pitches Called “Strikes”

MESA, Ariz.–Spring Training is a time for pitchers to experiment with pitches they have never thrown before, and for the Cubs pitching staff, it is no different. Cubs pitching coach Larry Rothschild has been working with the entire Cubs pitching staff in developing a new pitch which he likes to call a “strike.”

“I just figured it was about time some of these guys learned a new pitch,” Rothschild said sleepily. “I know that Zambrano has that nasty slider and Hill has that big curveball, but it’s good to keep the batters on their toes,” he continued, smoothing out his creased pajama top.

“Imagine how much filthier Hill’s breaking ball in the dirt will be if the batter has, in the back of his mind: ‘Hey. It’s possible on this 3-0 pitch that this kid might actually throw a strike,'” Rothschild mused as he wiped crust from the corner of his eye.

Why does the catcher’s mitt make that popping sound when I throw?

Jason Marquis experiments with a “strike” moments before a ball is lined back at his face.

Successfully throwing the new pitch might not be easy.

“It’s a learning process,” Rothschild said, stifling a yawn. “These guys aren’t used to throwing a strike, so there are going to be some problems with it initially. Take Prior, for instance. Every strike he threw the other day got drilled,” Rothschild said as he eased back into a reclined position.

“But don’t worry. He’ll figure it out. And if he doesn’t, he can always go back to throwing balls.”

Cubs Believe Dempster Will Bounce Back; Hopefully Not Too Far Back

CHICAGO–Carrie Muskat reports that the Cubs believe that closer Ryan Dempster, who was abysmal in 2006, will “bounce back” in 2007. Dempster’s time traveling adventure will be difficult, as he must bounce back to the very narrow window of time when he was actually good, all while traveling at 88 m.p.h. and generating 1.21 jigowatts of electricity.

This is heavy.
This is heavy.

Dempster expects his close friend Dr. Emmett Brown to help him get back to 2005. Brown is the inventor of the flux capacitor, which is “what makes time travel possible,” according to Brown.

Unfortunately for Dempster, while the De Lorean DMC-12 which houses the flux capacitor needs only to reach 88 miles per hour and runs on standard gasoline, the flux capacitor must be powered by 1.21 jigowatts of electricity. When Fire Lou Piniella! asked Dempster about the likelihood of generating such a charge, Dempster said, “What the hell is a jigowatt?!”

Brown explained that one of the only power sources capable of generating such a charge is “a bolt of lightning.” Dempster, standing nearby, said, “What?” Whereby Brown repeated, “A bolt of lightning.” Brown then added, “But the problem is you never know when or where one is going to strike.”

Dempster excitedly told Brown, “We do now.” Dempster handed Brown a copy of a speech expected to be delivered by Cubs G.M. Jim Hendry later that day. In it, Hendry had written, “We expect Mark Prior to make thirty starts this year. If there is something physically wrong with Mark Prior, may God himself strike me with a bolt of lightning right NOW.”

…TO BE CONTINUED…

Piniella’s 2007 Resolutions

While still recovering from a holiday-induced haze, “Fire Lou Piniella!” got a rare opportunity to get an advanced look at Lou Piniella’s list of New Year’s Resolutions. Enjoy.

Father Time

Uncle Time.

  1. Find out if Rothschild has ever actually worn a Cubs jersey under those stupid pajamas he wears to games.
  2. Return Steve Lyons’ wallet.
  3. Cut back on the word “c@#$sucker.” Increase usage of phrase, “bunch of c@#$smoking losers.”
  4. Quit reassuring Hendry that Jason Marquis doesn’t suck.
  5. Finish my autobiography, Living Among Assholes: The Lou Piniella Story.
  6. Fewer temper tantrums, more conniption fits.
  7. Stop hiding my keys and wallet in Trammell’s face.
  8. Be more politically correct, so that mick interim president gets off my back.
  9. Lose a few pounds. Christ, I’m starting to look like Hendry.
  10. Punch Joe Buck in the face with Tim McCarver’s severed hand.

Marquis de Bade

CHICAGO–Cubs G.M. Jim Hendry is desperately trying to undo the good he has done by signing Aramis Ramirez and Alfonso Soriano this offseason. Reportedly, Hendry has signed Jason Marquis to a three-year deal between $20M and $28M.

Edmonds is going to need a visa to catch that one.

Edmonds is going to need a visa to catch that one.

The Cubs are going up against the longstanding tradition of never signing a pitcher upon whom the Braves have given up. Marquis had an ERA over six last year, which projects to jump at least thirteen runs under pitching coach Larry Rothschild.

Marquis leans toward being more of a groundball pitcher than flyball pitcher, which is helpful in Wrigley Field about half the time.  He can also hit.  So that’s nice.  He doesn’t strike out a lot of guys and he walks too many.  But, again.  He can hit.  Yay.

Marquis has averaged over 200 innings for the past three years, meaning he is willing to take the ball every fifth day. Amazingly, the Cubs plan on actually giving him the ball every fifth day.

Heather Prior Delivers Baby Girl, Places Her on DL

CHICAGO–The Prior family has a new addition, baby Amanda Grace, who was born Thursday to Mark and Heather Prior. Initial rumors that Mark bore the child himself were proven false, as it was confirmed that Heather was, in fact, the one who gave birth to the 6 pound, 9 ounce baby girl.

As soon as Amanda was born, Mark and Heather put her on the disabled list, retroactive to 9 months ago. “We just wanted to do what’s in the best interest of our firstborn,” Mark said. “With Rothschild being back, and with Piniella having a history of pitcher abuse, we didn’t want to take any chances,” Mark added, wincing as he spoke.

Amanda has a long weekend ahead of her, as she will be taken for a shoulder MRI today, followed by Tommy John surgery tomorrow. The Priors expect that they will be able to bring Amanda home in less than a week, though sources close to the family expect that Amanda will not be able to participate in any infant-related activities until at least June of 2007.

The setback does not bother Mark and Heather. “We already have a cute little towel all ready for her to snap around,” Heather said. “I knitted it myself,” she concluded, beaming.

One bright side of the medical care needed for Amanda is the fact that Amanda’s procedure will be the tenth on Mark’s surgery punchcard, meaning his next season-ending surgery is free.

Prior’s Right Arm Requests Unconditional Release

CHICAGO–One day after new Cubs manager Lou Piniella announced that pitching coach Larry Rothschild would return for the 2007 season, Cub pitcher Mark Prior’s right arm requested its unconditional release from the club.

“It’s unexpected,” Cubs general manager Jim Hendry said. “We thought Prior’s right arm would be here for years to come, but we’re going to honor its request, and also to send it off with a ten million dollar bonus,” Hendry added.

“Fire Lou Piniella!” caught up with Kerry Wood’s right arm, known to be a close friend of Prior’s right arm because of all of their time together on the disabled list. “It’s going to be rough next year without him out there,” Wood’s right arm said. “I’ve gotten used to having someone right beside me, snapping towels, hanging out in the hot tub, sitting on the bench, getting wrapped in warm towels, getting massages, writing our names on big paychecks, those sorts of things,” Wood’s arm continued. “It will be sad not having Prior’s right arm there next year.”

Hendry plans on filling the void which will be left by Prior’s right arm quickly, as he already has plans on assembling his own new starting pitcher made up of Clint Malarchuk’s jugular, Tim Krumrie’s left leg, Joe Theismann’s right leg, Dave Dravecky’s left arm, Steve Young’s head, Bryce Florie’s face, Michael Barrett’s testicles, Tony Conigliaro’s eye, and Ray Chapman’s soul.

Frankenpitcher

“I shall call you ‘Injore,’ and you shall be the greatest- Hey, is that Sid Vicious’s leg?”


Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

Subscribe to “Fire Lou Piniella!”

Contact “Fire Lou Piniella!”

Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

Blog Stats

  • 140,277 hits