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The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

Another Cub Graces the Cover of Sports Illustrated

Congratulations, Mark. Nine days into Spring Training, and you’re still alive.

Hell Freezes Over

#107: Damon “Yeah, I Played Center for the Red Sox, But I Didn’t Look Like Jesus” Buford

Was Ed Lynch even trying to field a competitive team by 2000? I’m guessing the Damon Buford signing was one of the reasons listed when Lynch was sent packing in the summer of 2000. I imagine the conversation between Andy MacPhail and Lynch went something like this:

ANDY: So, I think you know why you’re here, Ed.

ED: Because Willie Greene is playing third?

ANDY: Well, now that you mention it, yeah. That’s part of it.

ED: Is it because of EY?

ANDY: Good point. I forgot about him. Yeah, him, too.

ED: Well, I promise we’ll get better.

ANDY: It’s too late for that now, Ed.

ED: But, Andy-

ANDY: Damon Buford, Ed? Damon freaking Buford? I mean, I’ve defended a lot of your moves to my bosses, but how do you expect me to explain my way around Damon Buford?

ED: He’s had some okay years-

ANDY: No, Ed. He hasn’t. You’re fired, Ed. Get the hell out of my office.

And so Ed Lynch’s reign as the Cubs’ G.M. was over. Damon Buford’s reign as the Cubs centerfielder was not, however. Buford fumbled around in the outfield and flailed away at the plate for two years at the turn of the millennium.

Tall, dark, and swinging from his ass.

Is this seriously a baseball card?

The most maddening part of Buford’s game was his Willie Mayes Hays (circa Major League II) conviction that he was a power hitter. He wasn’t. But feel free to keep screwing yourself into the ground on your ridiculous swings, Damon. We’re in a hurry to get to 65-97.

Buford also gets negative points for being one of the stopgap centerfielders to suck so badly that the Cubs had to rush Corey Patterson’s development and render him useless. More negative points for attending Southern Cal.

Low Point: May 16, 2001. Buford was released from the Cubs because Gary Matthews, Jr. was a better option in center. Ouch.

Did You Know? Buford’s father Don also played for Southern Cal and in the majors for the White Sox and the Orioles. He also would have made this list had he played for the Cubs.

Cubs Come to Terms With Prior by Using Terms “Injury-Prone,” “Pansy,” and “Tampon”

CHICAGO–The Cubs have thankfully reached an agreement with right-handed towel-thrower Mark Prior. The announcement comes just weeks before Prior’s inevitable season-ending injury. The Cubs have not yet released the terms of the agreement, but sources close to Jim Hendry expect that the deal will include a lifetime supply of Always and a DVD copy of The Bridges of Madison County.

Oh snap!

Mark Prior: Snapping into a hot tub near you. Summer, 2007.

Ripken, Gwynn Voted Into Hall; McGwire Excluded, Given Year’s Supply of Proactiv as Consolation

NEW YORK–The Hall of Fame ballots have been counted, and first-year candidates Cal Ripken, Jr. and Tony Gwynn were inducted into baseball’s most prestigious club.

Left out of the Hall was first-year candidate Mark McGwire, who socked 583 home runs during his career. McGwire’s chances were hurt by his rumored connection to performance-enhancing drugs and by the fact that he was a Trojan and a Cardinal.

McGwire’s name appeared on a mere 23.5 percent of the ballots cast, far short of the requisite 75 percent required for induction. As a consolation prize, the voters chipped in to buy McGwire a year’s supply of a different type of performance-enhancing drug, Proactiv.

Yikes.
It’s okay, Mark. Your bust would have read like Braille, anyhow.

Gentleman, five-tool athlete, great teammate, and, by all accounts, terrific human being, Andre Dawson received 56.7 percent of the vote, down from the 61 percent he received last year. Wrigley Ville is still fighting the good fight for Dawson, but I am saddened to think he may be fighting a losing battle.

Goose Gossage fell just short of induction, garnering 71.2 percent of the vote. Other notable names who failed to attain the necessary 75 percent were Jim Rice, Bert Blyleven, Lee Smith, Jack Morris, and Tommy John. Goatriders has a good article about how these guys should all be inducted, as well, if the Hall of Fame voters weren’t collectively such a bloated piece of crap.

Valentine’s Day Massacre: Cubs Announce Spring Report Date

CHICAGO–New Cubs manager Lou Piniella will meet his pitchers and catchers for the first time as a group on February 14, 2007, when they are required to report to training camp in Mesa, Arizona.

After an initial verbal beating from Piniella, the catchers will go through some light stretches and cardiovascular activities. The pitchers will undergo various surgeries on a wide variety of different body parts, after which they will be placed in bubble wrap and stored in that room at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark until the start of the 2007 season. The only pitcher to be excluded from the treatment will be Jason Marquis, who will be shipped to St. Louis in a box reading “RETURN TO SENDER.”

Top men.

We have top men working on it now.

Braves Show Giles Door; On Way Out, Giles Collides with Prior, Ending Prior’s Season

ATLANTA–Second baseman Marcus Giles was not tendered a contract by the Atlanta Braves before Tuesday’s midnight deadline, making him a free agent. Atlanta showed Giles the door after being unable to find a team interested in trading for him.

On his way out of Braves’ G.M. John Schuerholz’s office after receiving the news, Giles collided with Cubs starting pitcher Mark Prior, sending both of them to the floor in a twisted heap.

Giles bumps into Prior

Prior and Giles collide. Again.

For Prior, the collision caused him to suffer a broken right wrist, several bruised ribs, a black eye, diarrhea, excessive sweating, and menstrual cramping. Giles walked away with no injuries. The Cubs immediately put Prior on the 60-day disabled list, retroactive to Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS.


Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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