Archive for the 'We can’t understand you mang.' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

EDITORIAL: Why I’m Not as Big a Douchebag as Guillen

Yo. Sweet Uncle Lou here. Listen, I know I’m new to this town and maybe I just don’t understand you Chicago fans yet, but something has been troubling me since Sunday. Why the hell isn’t there a fireozzieguillen.com?

I like cleavage as much as the next guy, but come on.

Did that shirt come with free butt sex? Also, if you touch me again, I will break your fucking arm.

I’m not a quiet guy. I can accept that. I’ve done some things in the past which people might consider hot-headed.

Piniella Shot Puts a Base

That base said something about my mother.

But at least I’m not Guillen. Shit, I know all about machismo, but there’s a difference between pride and just being an arrogant asshole. Let’s review Guillen’s career for a moment, shall we? Thank you, Wikipedia.

  • 1985-2000: Guillen sucks ass as a shitty, slap-hitting shortstop for the White Sox for most of his career. Read it and weep, you little bitch. I was more productive at over 35 years old than you were in your career.
  • 2001: Guillen beats off for 365 days straight. I’ve done it for 366. Eat it.
  • 2002: Guillen helps coach the Montreal Expos. Canada hates him, kicks him out. Canadians love me and reward me with maple syrup.
  • 2003: Guillen is the third base coach for the Marlins, who win the World Series with a brilliant and dominant pitching performance. Somehow, Guillen gets credited as a brilliant coach for waving guys around a fucking base. He’s also the cocksucker who held his hands up to his neck in the NLCS to signify that the Cubs would choke. What kind of professional coach does something like that? I haven’t seen behavior like that since I was pushing a hoop down an alley with a stick. In 2003, I was entering my 17th as an actual coach of a big league team, not a glorified babysitter standing next to a base with no one paying attention to me. I shat out piles that stood taller than Guillen.
  • 2004: Guillen is hired as the White Sox manager, possibly because their previous manager was actually a mannequin filled with sand.
  • July 2004: Guillen rips Sox outfielder Carlos Lee for not killing someone for trying to turn a double play. Guillen was pissed because Torii Hunter and the Minnesota Twins were in the process of depantsing the Sox, so Guillen said, “We had a guy go into 2nd base as if his wife was turning a double play.” He conveniently waited to say it after Lee was traded. At least when my guys are pansies, I tell it to their faces. Shit, I tell Prior that he’s a girl every day over my morning coffee.
  • Spring Training 2005: After Magglio Ordonez leaves for the Detroit Tigers, Guillen charms the world with this rant: “He’s playing with fire. I’m not afraid of him. I have nothing to apologize to him for. I have nothing to do with Magglio wearing the Detroit Tigers uniform. Every time he played for me, he played good, but if he thinks I’m his enemy or I have something against him, that’s up to him. Magglio is full of shit. Apologize to who? I don’t have to apologize to anybody because, first of all, he’s the first one to name me. He said I was pushing him to play [last season], and I was responsible. Don’t make me feel like I was the bad guy in this. He never was my friend because I don’t know him. If he thinks what I said hurt him, I don’t give a shit. I didn’t come here to make friends, I came here to win games. I’ve got a lot of friends. If Magglio doesn’t want to be my friend, I’m not going to lose sleep at night. He’s a piece of shit. He’s another Venezuelan motherfucker. Fuck him. He thinks he’s got an enemy? No, he’s got a big one. He knows I can fuck him over in a lot of different ways. He better shut the fuck up and just play for the Detroit Tigers. Why do I have to go over and even apologize to him? Who the fuck is Magglio Ordonez? What did he ever do for me? He didn’t do shit for me. But he said I’m his enemy — he knows me. Tell him he knows me, and he can take it how he wants to take it. Did he play good for me? Yes, he did. Did he play hard for me? Yes, he did. He might like me. He might be sensitive of me. He might be jealous of me, I don’t know why. But saying I’m his enemy, he hates me, I could care less what that shit thinks. I don’t give a shit what he does with the rest of his life. He fucked with the wrong guy, and he knows that, too. He knows for a fact that he fucked with the wrong people.” In that incoherent rambling, we learn that Ozzie is (1) racist, (2) in love with the word “fuck,” (3) an arrogant piece of crap, (4) hypersensitive to any criticism whatsoever, (5) a rageaholic, and (6) ridiculously disloyal to his players. FYI, Ozzie, Magglio Ordonez is better than both of us, so you should probably learn who he is.
  • October 2005: The World Series is canceled, and Guillen celebrates by kissing a dude. This is how joo do it, Mariotti, mang. I don’t kiss dudes. Even when they beg for it.
  • June 2006: Guillen sends recently called-up rookie Sean Tracey to the mound to bean Hank Blalock in retaliation after Texas Rangers pitcher Vincente Padilla twice did the world a favor and drilled the complete fuckstick that is A.J. Pierzynski. Instead of having veteran starter Javier Vazquez do his dirty work, Guillen sends up the rookie kid. When the kid misses (or, hopefully, refuses), Guillen throws a shitstorm tantrum and screams at the kid in the dugout. The kid is back in the minors the next day. If you want a guy hit that bad, sack up, go out, and hit him yourself. That’s what I do. Unless Ozzie was afraid that, based on his career numbers, he was going to swing and miss.
  • The Next Day in June 2006: Another narcissistic asshole, Jay Mariotti, calls out Guillen for the bullshit move with Tracey. Guillen’s response? “What a piece of shit he is, a fucking fag.” While true, at least I have the sense not to say it to the media. Selig orders Guillen to attend sensitivity training. The prick refuses at first, but later relents. Possibly because Kenny Williams said something along the lines of, “Go, or you’re fired. And can you please shut your goddamn mouth? This isn’t the Ozzie Guillen Show.” I’m as sensitive as a pierced nipple. At least according to Ozzie’s mom.
  • June 20, 2006: The Sox are pasting the Cardinals 20-6, and Sox pitcher David Riske beans Cardinal Chris Duncan. Duncan’s dad says it was intentional. Maybe Duncan was just being a whiny bitch, but when the evidence starts stacking up against you, maybe you’re just a vindictive prick, Ozzie.
  • March 2007: Guillen goes off on former Sox pitcher Brandon McCarthy because McCarthy has the “nerve” to suggest that he enjoys the Rangers clubhouse better than the Sox clubhouse. Because he can’t keep his mouth shut, Ozzie says, “I think Brandon should look at himself in the mirror. I say, ‘Who is the bad guy in the clubhouse?’ Then say it. You played with us 162 games and all of a sudden you leave and say you don’t have a friend in the clubhouse, only Brian Anderson? Well, he picked the wrong guy to be friends with. People forgot that Brandon McCarthy got caught a couple of times out at night. I called him into my office and said, ‘You been hanging around the city a lot, huh?’ I said, ‘I don’t have a spy on you, but I know a lot of people in the bars in Chicago. I’ve been here for 20 years, and they will tell me everything. He forgot he lost a couple of games for us. He lost at least five of the 72. We might be in the playoffs without him.” Nice that he blames the total pants-shitting at the end of last season on the young pitcher who is no longer on the team. Okay, Ozzie. Now, you’ve responded to McCarthy’s comments. It was totally unnecessary to do so, but the incident is over, right? Nah. Let’s drag some other people into this. Ozzie says, “I can say there’s only one [jerk] in the clubhouse, and he’s one of my buddies and that’s A.J. [Pierzynski].” Well, that’s nice, I guess. You’re friendly enough to single him out as the only jerk in the clubhouse. How sweet. At least he’s only ripping on current players, right? He’d never drag in a guy who doesn’t even play anymore, would he? What’s that, Ozzie? “I did it too when I left the White Sox in [1998]. I made a couple of comments about I’m a better shortstop than [Mike] Caruso was. Well, that’s true. But I made comments too. My feelings were hurt.” Ozzie, it wasn’t true. And Mike Caruso? Do we really need to bring up Mike Caruso?

My point is, that this guy is a disaster. He’s easily the most despicable piece of crap in baseball. To boot, he’s going to start costing the White Sox good young players. Would a young player honestly want to come play for a guy who did what Guillen did to Tracey? A guy who’s going to stab the player in the back the second he’s out of a Sox uniform (and sometimes when he’s in a uniform)? A racist homophobe who seems to hate everyone not named Ozzie Guillen? Shit, Soriano came to town because he wants to play for me. Hell, if A-Rod had a penis, he’d have a hard-on for me. When have you ever heard something like that about Guillen? Kenny Williams needs to put a ball gag on his little chihuahua or get him the hell out of town. And someone needs to start up fireozzieguillen.com.

Mariotti Argues with Self, Has Heart Attack, Loses Argument

CHICAGO–Chicago Sun-Times columnist Jay Mariotti was hospitalized Wednesday night in New Orleans, where he was on assignment to cover the Sugar Bowl.

Mariotti underwent an angioplasty procedure and insertion of an arterial stent. The columnist is expected to take time off before resuming his role as loudmouth idiot on ESPN’s Around the Horn some time early next month.

In June, Mariotti had a battle of words with White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen. The words chosen in the battle were basically just “fag” and “mang” on Guillen’s side, and “me” and “I” on Mariotti’s.

Mariotti
That ain’t no fag, Ozzie. That is pure hetero beef.

Mariotti began experiencing heart problems while watching an tape of Around the Horn from 2005. On the tape, Mariotti circa 2005 said something with which the 2007 version of Mariotti did not agree. Mariotti ver.2007 became enraged, and began screaming at the television. When 2005 Mariotti did not respond to him, but only began talking more loudly and flaring his nostrils more vigorously, ’07 Mariotti threw the furniture in his hotel room around in a tantrum, stressing him to the point where he experienced chest pains and was driven to a local hospital.

In the space normally occupied by Mariotti’s column, the Sun-Times is expected to run a series of photographs depicting animals having violent sex with one another. No one is expected to complain about the change.


Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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