Archive for the 'Why Piniella Sucks' Category

The Bottom 126 Continues on HireJimEssian.com!

I think there may be a fair number of you who have “The Bottom 126” tagged who may not have gotten the news that The Bottom 126 (along with the rest of this crazy operation) has moved to Hire Jim Essian! The content at the new domain is going to be virtually identical to the content here, so please update your bookmarks. Oh, and I also tagged this entry with every other tag, just in case you have one of those tagged. Hope to see you at the new site.

With Jeter Out of Way, A-Rod Strives to Make Piniella Sound Gay

Bob Raissman would have you believe that new Cubs manager Lou Piniella loves Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez from his frosted tips to his twinkle toes. Of course, Bob Raissman is an old timey-weightlifter.

Let us do some thirty kilogram lifts!  Hup!  Hup! Hup!Hup!  Hup! Hup!

“Twelve repetitions on each side, Cornelius! Ready? Hup! Hup! Hup!”

Raissman’s article suggests that when Piniella was managing Rodriguez in Seattle, Piniella kissed him, sat in his underwear with him until 2:30-3:00 a.m. to talk about his “swing,” and cried when he left Seattle.

The Good: Rodriguez can opt out of his contract with the Yankees at the end of this season, and Raissman makes it seem that he would like to reunite with his former manager.

The Bad: Piniella and Rodriguez apparently had the same slumber parties that Derek Jeter and Rodriguez had.

The Ugly: Piniella in his underwear.

Happy Valentine’s Day, C@#$suckers

I thought you idiots might enjoy the Valentine’s Day cards that I’m sending to my players on the first day that pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.

To Carlos Zambrano:

So happy to meet you!

So glad we’ve made contact!

Now shut the hell up,

And sign a damn contract.

To Ryan Dempster:

I hear you’re a clown.

I hear you’re a cut-up.

One thing that you’re not,

Is a closer, so shut up.

To Jim Hendry:

I know I’ve been blunt,

And I know I’ve been crass,

But seriously, Jim,

You’re a f@#$ing fat ass.

To Alfonso Soriano:

I know that you think I “asked” you to play center,

But let’s get something straight:

I’m in charge, so get bent-er.

To Matt Murton:

I know I stuck up for you,

This whole offseason.

But I’ll bench you like Dusty,

Just give me a reason.

To Michael Barrett:

I need you to lead now,

You must have our back.

So I won’t stand for crying,

About your bruised sack.

To Jacque Jones:

I like you, kid, and you play with some sass,

But quit firing the f@#$ing ball into the grass.

To Derrek Lee:

You play with much dignity, style, and great grace,

So who did you kill to end up in this place?

To Kerry Wood:

How is your shoulder, your elbow, and cuff?

Let’s make this your year. Enough is enough.

To Jason Marquis:

I’d count all the reasons that I hate you today,

If only the number didn’t dwarf your ERA.

To Aramis Ramirez:

Of the guys at third since Santo, I like you the most.

But if you ever turn a double to a single, you’re toast.

To Mark Prior:

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Stay healthy this year,

Or I’ll skull-f@#$ you.

Piniella Says He’ll Stress “Fundamentals”; Hendry Later Seen Flipping through Dictionary Under “F”

MESA, Ariz.–New Cubs manager Lou Piniella will stress fundamentals during Spring Training. According to Piniella:

Fundamentals will be an important part of camp, and baserunning will be an important part of camp, [as well as] making sure we can bunt and making sure we can field our positions. You work at these things, and if you work and prepare yourself, you have a much better chance to win baseball games, and that’s what I’m here for.

After Piniella’s comments, Cubs general manager Jim Hendry sat at a press conference consulting a dictionary and said, “I think I’m really looking forward to a fresh start. Fresh. Freshen. Freshet. We’re looking forward… forewarn, forewaste… to that first day and putting [last year] totally behind us forever. Forevermore. Foreverness. Forewarm. Ah! Here it is! ‘Fundamental’! It says, ‘noun: the harmonic component of a complex wave that has the lowest frequency and commonly the greatest amplitude.’ Oh, [expletive], Lou’s drunk again.”

Gene Wojoch- Wojcho- Wochjo- Ah, Fuck it, Some Jerk at ESPN Writes Timely Article on Cubs Convention

The 2007 Cubs Convention ended almost 3 weeks ago, but don’t tell that to Gene Wojciechowski, who finally got around to weighing in with his thoughts on the Convention. Don’t bother reading it. I’ll sum it up:

  • Piniella promised some crazy old man wearing a license plate that the Cubs will be a good fundamental club.
  • Gene: “I felt the worst for the little kids, their eyes filled with innocent wonder as they waited happily in line for autographs and photo ops with their favorite players. You wanted to pull them aside and gently explain that there are less painful hobbies than following the Cubs, such as plunging knitting needles into your inner ear canal.So, Gene wanted to abduct children at the Convention and encourage them to mutilate themselves? I’m calling To Catch a Predator.
  • Gene: “This was the first year the passes featured the blue, block-lettered W on the front, in honor of the “Win” flag flown at Wrigley Field after a victory. Last season, that flag flew a grand total of 66 times, the third-lowest number in the majors.” I would guess that 66 is by far the highest number of times a team flew a white flag with a blue, block-lettered W on the front after a victory, actually. You fail your own article, Gene.
  • Gene: “ That’s why Piniella is here, and Dusty Baker now works for ESPN.” Yes, Gene. He works WITH YOU at ESPN. You are going to have some seriously awkward run-ins with Dusty in the cafeteria.
  • Gene: “Who knows if this [spending] is going to work?” Clearly not you. Why did you write this article again?
  • Gene says that the fans Simon Cowell’ed the front office. How clever.
  • Gene references Old Style. He knows his target audience so well!
  • Gene finishes the article with the stale stories that you read three weeks ago. You know. When the Convention was going on. And he takes a shot about the Cubs fans being skeptical because the team is nearing its “second 100-year rebuilding plan.”

Whenever I read an article like this, I have a seizure. But then, when I calm down, I think of the scene from Animal House when Otter says, “He can’t do that to our pledges,” and Boon says, “Only we can do that to our pledges.” Get bent, Gene, and leave the mocking of the Cubs to those who truly understand them.

Piniella Survives Three-Hour Dinner with McCarver, Bush

Just when you thought Lou Piniella couldn’t get any crazier, he sat through a three-hour dinner at the White House on Monday with President George Bush and Tim McCarver. Crazier still is that Piniella did it without punching anyone in the head.

From the link:

First Fan: Fox’s Tim McCarver joined several current and former baseball players, including new Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella, for a three-hour private dinner with President Bush at the White House on Monday. McCarver says the ex-Texas Rangers managing partner is studying intelligence on the latest effort to turn around what some consider a lost cause: “He’s very interested in the Cubs and how Lou will do with them. He’d obviously done his homework.”

“George Bush is studying intelligence on the latest effort to turn around what some consider a lost cause.” Where have I heard that before? Oh, I get it. Bravo, USA Today, you snarky little bitch.

I See What You Did There

Thanks to microrecording technology, Fire Lou Piniella! was able to capture a snippet of conversation between Tim McCarver and Lou Piniella at the dinner.

TIM: I never liked the sirloin that they used to make back when I used to have sirloin that they used to make when I played ball.

LOU: What?

TIM: I think this steak may be the greatest steak ever to go through a digestive system as a young steak while learning how to be a steak.

LOU: You are a horse’s ass.

TIM: It’s hard to catch the slurve because when you have your fingers positioned to throw the slurve it’s designed to slurve out of your fingers and slurve downward at a slurvey angle. Slurve.

LOU: Are you going to eat that lobster claw?

Rich Hill Predicted to Emerge in 2007, See Shadow, Disappear Until 2008

MLB.com’s Alex Cushing suggests that Cubs left-hander Rich Hill is one of several young pitchers who may emerge in 2007. The Cubs expect Hill, who put up excellent numbers in the second half of the 2006 season, to emerge at the beginning of Spring Training. If Hill sees his shadow, he is expected to disappear until 2008.

“Rich really had a breakout year,” Cubs general manager Jim Hendry said. “I really hope when he emerges that he doesn’t see his shadow. We’re counting on having him in the rotation this year, not having him hibernating.”

At the beginning of Spring Training, Hill will greet the crowd that has gathered in front of his temporary home on Gobbler’s Knob to determine whether he will emerge and be a dominant pitcher or whether he will retreat to his home for the 2007 season.

Rich Hill Emerges

Rich Hill emerges on Gobbler’s Knob.

“The other guys are already calling him ‘Punxsutawney Hill’,” Cubs manager Lou Piniella said. “If he’s honestly scared of his own shadow, I’m going to take to calling him p#$$y.”


Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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