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Cubs Hurlers Use Spring to Experiment with New Pitches Called “Strikes”

MESA, Ariz.–Spring Training is a time for pitchers to experiment with pitches they have never thrown before, and for the Cubs pitching staff, it is no different. Cubs pitching coach Larry Rothschild has been working with the entire Cubs pitching staff in developing a new pitch which he likes to call a “strike.”

“I just figured it was about time some of these guys learned a new pitch,” Rothschild said sleepily. “I know that Zambrano has that nasty slider and Hill has that big curveball, but it’s good to keep the batters on their toes,” he continued, smoothing out his creased pajama top.

“Imagine how much filthier Hill’s breaking ball in the dirt will be if the batter has, in the back of his mind: ‘Hey. It’s possible on this 3-0 pitch that this kid might actually throw a strike,'” Rothschild mused as he wiped crust from the corner of his eye.

Why does the catcher’s mitt make that popping sound when I throw?

Jason Marquis experiments with a “strike” moments before a ball is lined back at his face.

Successfully throwing the new pitch might not be easy.

“It’s a learning process,” Rothschild said, stifling a yawn. “These guys aren’t used to throwing a strike, so there are going to be some problems with it initially. Take Prior, for instance. Every strike he threw the other day got drilled,” Rothschild said as he eased back into a reclined position.

“But don’t worry. He’ll figure it out. And if he doesn’t, he can always go back to throwing balls.”

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: March 7, 2007

Yeah, I’m writing this during a game. What of it? No one’s paid a lick of attention to me since I got here, anyhow, no matter how much I scream and yell. By the way, that little speech already matched Dusty Baker’s “bitch the team out” total in the three years he was here. Wait. It was four years? Man, that guy really was a pussy. I made Prior cry during the talk, but only once. I’ll try harder next time.

This would be more appropriate on Alfonso Soriano bobblehead day.

Either he misplayed that ball, or that ball weighs 80 pounds.

In case you haven’t heard, Kermit and I are writing over at Desipio for a while to help that Dolan kid out. Dolan’s a good shit, even if he’s making more work for us. Kermit put up his first post today, but the idiot can’t figure out how to link it to the Desipio message board. Nice work. Real professional, Kermit. You’re making us look like a couple of chumps. Anyhow, Kermit writes about how Zambrano and Lilly are batshit crazy, yet forgets to point out that I’M THE FREAKING POWDERKEG, BITCHES!!!

Here’s a question. What am I supposed to do with the eighteen #5 starters that Hendry collected for me? Marquis is clearly a lock in the #4 spot, just because I want to see if I can give Hendry another grabber. But then I have Prior, Cotts, Miller, Marshall, Guzman, Marmol, and about 50 other guys who all keep sending me boxes of chocolate for the 5th starter spot. I’ll wait until next week, when 14 or 15 injuries thin the herd.

The Sun-Times‘ “Tribune on Trial” series gets even dumber with this interview of The Score’s Mike Murphy. I’d like to give that dude an enema with the gravy from Brown’s Chicken.

McDonough was talking shop the other day. One of the things he mentioned was that Selig bitched us out for spending too much money during the offseason. I was surprised to hear that, seeing as how I thought Selig died three years ago.

Hey, Ozzie. Thanks for the advice on how to manage a baseball team. Now here’s some advice for you: FUCK. OFF.

Prior and Wood still aren’t hurt, no matter how many banana peels and Micro Machines I leave lying around Prior’s locker.

Well, I gotta go. Zambrano is screaming about something and Prior’s curled up in the fetal position at the end of the bench.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

#78: “Death” Rey Ordonez

Back in college, my friends and I had a saying. When everyone was counting on you to come through and do something and you let them down, those folks who were counting on you got “Rey Ordonez’ed.” For example. Bottom of the 9th. Your co-rec kickball team is down 18-17. The girl you really like is there watching you. Bases loaded. Two outs. The pitcher winds up and rolls! You swing your leg and completely miss the ball. As your leg is coming down, your heel lands on the ball and you hyperextend your knee. And then you realize the ball is a puppy, and the girl you like is having sex with the winning pitcher on the mound. You ruined the season, you blew out your knee, you lost the girl, and you killed a puppy. Congratulations, you just Rey Ordonez’ed your team. And the puppy.

At one point, Rey Ordonez was as highly touted as these guys.  Hell, so was Alex Gonzalez.

Rey, at top right, is usually expected to “talk to the fat one.”

Three questions: 1. Are all shortstops required to wear that chain around their necks? 2. Why are Alex Gonzalez and Rey Ordonez in this picture? 3. What sports men’s magazine would run such a picture?

Is it any wonder that Ordonez made the Bottom 126? Middle infielder. Check. Strength of the love child of Sampson and Superman shaved bald and wearing kryptonite underwear. Check. Inexplicably bats leadoff all the time. Check. It was his destiny to be on this list.

To be clear, Ordonez didn’t just suck when he came over to the Cubs after a lengthy career with the Mets. He sucked the whole time. The difference is, if he would have stayed in New York (or Tampa Bay, for that matter) we wouldn’t have gotten Rey Ordonez’ed so many times.

Low Point: June 4, 2004. The Pirates are in town, and the Cubs are clinging to a 1-0 lead in the 8th. With 2 outs, Michael Barrett draws a walk, pushing Todd Hollandsworth to second base. Ordonez, having already gone 0-3 with a foul bunt out, comes up with a chance to give the Cubs some insurance. He strikes out swinging. In the top of the 9th, the Pirates, including Chris Stynes, of all people, score 2 runs. Cubs lose 2-1.

Did You Know? In 2002, Ordonez, angry with the boos he and double play partner Roberto Alomar were hearing, called the fans in New York “too stupid.” Too stupid for… what, exactly?

We Still Love You Guys the Most

Sweet Uncle Lou and I are going to be temporarily guest blogging for the hilarious and brilliant (at least until he allowed us to guest blog) Andy Dolan over at Desipio.

Now, I want everyone to understand. This isn’t because Lou and I love you any less. We’re still going to be putting out the same content that we always put out. But now, we’re going to put out for other people, too. And that makes us sluts.

Please support Desipio. It’s an outstanding site, and I’m honored to be helping Andy out in, what must be for him, a time of complete and utter desperation. Lou is honored, too. He just shows it by turning red and shouting a lot.

EDITORIAL: Why I’m Not as Big a Douchebag as Guillen

Yo. Sweet Uncle Lou here. Listen, I know I’m new to this town and maybe I just don’t understand you Chicago fans yet, but something has been troubling me since Sunday. Why the hell isn’t there a fireozzieguillen.com?

I like cleavage as much as the next guy, but come on.

Did that shirt come with free butt sex? Also, if you touch me again, I will break your fucking arm.

I’m not a quiet guy. I can accept that. I’ve done some things in the past which people might consider hot-headed.

Piniella Shot Puts a Base

That base said something about my mother.

But at least I’m not Guillen. Shit, I know all about machismo, but there’s a difference between pride and just being an arrogant asshole. Let’s review Guillen’s career for a moment, shall we? Thank you, Wikipedia.

  • 1985-2000: Guillen sucks ass as a shitty, slap-hitting shortstop for the White Sox for most of his career. Read it and weep, you little bitch. I was more productive at over 35 years old than you were in your career.
  • 2001: Guillen beats off for 365 days straight. I’ve done it for 366. Eat it.
  • 2002: Guillen helps coach the Montreal Expos. Canada hates him, kicks him out. Canadians love me and reward me with maple syrup.
  • 2003: Guillen is the third base coach for the Marlins, who win the World Series with a brilliant and dominant pitching performance. Somehow, Guillen gets credited as a brilliant coach for waving guys around a fucking base. He’s also the cocksucker who held his hands up to his neck in the NLCS to signify that the Cubs would choke. What kind of professional coach does something like that? I haven’t seen behavior like that since I was pushing a hoop down an alley with a stick. In 2003, I was entering my 17th as an actual coach of a big league team, not a glorified babysitter standing next to a base with no one paying attention to me. I shat out piles that stood taller than Guillen.
  • 2004: Guillen is hired as the White Sox manager, possibly because their previous manager was actually a mannequin filled with sand.
  • July 2004: Guillen rips Sox outfielder Carlos Lee for not killing someone for trying to turn a double play. Guillen was pissed because Torii Hunter and the Minnesota Twins were in the process of depantsing the Sox, so Guillen said, “We had a guy go into 2nd base as if his wife was turning a double play.” He conveniently waited to say it after Lee was traded. At least when my guys are pansies, I tell it to their faces. Shit, I tell Prior that he’s a girl every day over my morning coffee.
  • Spring Training 2005: After Magglio Ordonez leaves for the Detroit Tigers, Guillen charms the world with this rant: “He’s playing with fire. I’m not afraid of him. I have nothing to apologize to him for. I have nothing to do with Magglio wearing the Detroit Tigers uniform. Every time he played for me, he played good, but if he thinks I’m his enemy or I have something against him, that’s up to him. Magglio is full of shit. Apologize to who? I don’t have to apologize to anybody because, first of all, he’s the first one to name me. He said I was pushing him to play [last season], and I was responsible. Don’t make me feel like I was the bad guy in this. He never was my friend because I don’t know him. If he thinks what I said hurt him, I don’t give a shit. I didn’t come here to make friends, I came here to win games. I’ve got a lot of friends. If Magglio doesn’t want to be my friend, I’m not going to lose sleep at night. He’s a piece of shit. He’s another Venezuelan motherfucker. Fuck him. He thinks he’s got an enemy? No, he’s got a big one. He knows I can fuck him over in a lot of different ways. He better shut the fuck up and just play for the Detroit Tigers. Why do I have to go over and even apologize to him? Who the fuck is Magglio Ordonez? What did he ever do for me? He didn’t do shit for me. But he said I’m his enemy — he knows me. Tell him he knows me, and he can take it how he wants to take it. Did he play good for me? Yes, he did. Did he play hard for me? Yes, he did. He might like me. He might be sensitive of me. He might be jealous of me, I don’t know why. But saying I’m his enemy, he hates me, I could care less what that shit thinks. I don’t give a shit what he does with the rest of his life. He fucked with the wrong guy, and he knows that, too. He knows for a fact that he fucked with the wrong people.” In that incoherent rambling, we learn that Ozzie is (1) racist, (2) in love with the word “fuck,” (3) an arrogant piece of crap, (4) hypersensitive to any criticism whatsoever, (5) a rageaholic, and (6) ridiculously disloyal to his players. FYI, Ozzie, Magglio Ordonez is better than both of us, so you should probably learn who he is.
  • October 2005: The World Series is canceled, and Guillen celebrates by kissing a dude. This is how joo do it, Mariotti, mang. I don’t kiss dudes. Even when they beg for it.
  • June 2006: Guillen sends recently called-up rookie Sean Tracey to the mound to bean Hank Blalock in retaliation after Texas Rangers pitcher Vincente Padilla twice did the world a favor and drilled the complete fuckstick that is A.J. Pierzynski. Instead of having veteran starter Javier Vazquez do his dirty work, Guillen sends up the rookie kid. When the kid misses (or, hopefully, refuses), Guillen throws a shitstorm tantrum and screams at the kid in the dugout. The kid is back in the minors the next day. If you want a guy hit that bad, sack up, go out, and hit him yourself. That’s what I do. Unless Ozzie was afraid that, based on his career numbers, he was going to swing and miss.
  • The Next Day in June 2006: Another narcissistic asshole, Jay Mariotti, calls out Guillen for the bullshit move with Tracey. Guillen’s response? “What a piece of shit he is, a fucking fag.” While true, at least I have the sense not to say it to the media. Selig orders Guillen to attend sensitivity training. The prick refuses at first, but later relents. Possibly because Kenny Williams said something along the lines of, “Go, or you’re fired. And can you please shut your goddamn mouth? This isn’t the Ozzie Guillen Show.” I’m as sensitive as a pierced nipple. At least according to Ozzie’s mom.
  • June 20, 2006: The Sox are pasting the Cardinals 20-6, and Sox pitcher David Riske beans Cardinal Chris Duncan. Duncan’s dad says it was intentional. Maybe Duncan was just being a whiny bitch, but when the evidence starts stacking up against you, maybe you’re just a vindictive prick, Ozzie.
  • March 2007: Guillen goes off on former Sox pitcher Brandon McCarthy because McCarthy has the “nerve” to suggest that he enjoys the Rangers clubhouse better than the Sox clubhouse. Because he can’t keep his mouth shut, Ozzie says, “I think Brandon should look at himself in the mirror. I say, ‘Who is the bad guy in the clubhouse?’ Then say it. You played with us 162 games and all of a sudden you leave and say you don’t have a friend in the clubhouse, only Brian Anderson? Well, he picked the wrong guy to be friends with. People forgot that Brandon McCarthy got caught a couple of times out at night. I called him into my office and said, ‘You been hanging around the city a lot, huh?’ I said, ‘I don’t have a spy on you, but I know a lot of people in the bars in Chicago. I’ve been here for 20 years, and they will tell me everything. He forgot he lost a couple of games for us. He lost at least five of the 72. We might be in the playoffs without him.” Nice that he blames the total pants-shitting at the end of last season on the young pitcher who is no longer on the team. Okay, Ozzie. Now, you’ve responded to McCarthy’s comments. It was totally unnecessary to do so, but the incident is over, right? Nah. Let’s drag some other people into this. Ozzie says, “I can say there’s only one [jerk] in the clubhouse, and he’s one of my buddies and that’s A.J. [Pierzynski].” Well, that’s nice, I guess. You’re friendly enough to single him out as the only jerk in the clubhouse. How sweet. At least he’s only ripping on current players, right? He’d never drag in a guy who doesn’t even play anymore, would he? What’s that, Ozzie? “I did it too when I left the White Sox in [1998]. I made a couple of comments about I’m a better shortstop than [Mike] Caruso was. Well, that’s true. But I made comments too. My feelings were hurt.” Ozzie, it wasn’t true. And Mike Caruso? Do we really need to bring up Mike Caruso?

My point is, that this guy is a disaster. He’s easily the most despicable piece of crap in baseball. To boot, he’s going to start costing the White Sox good young players. Would a young player honestly want to come play for a guy who did what Guillen did to Tracey? A guy who’s going to stab the player in the back the second he’s out of a Sox uniform (and sometimes when he’s in a uniform)? A racist homophobe who seems to hate everyone not named Ozzie Guillen? Shit, Soriano came to town because he wants to play for me. Hell, if A-Rod had a penis, he’d have a hard-on for me. When have you ever heard something like that about Guillen? Kenny Williams needs to put a ball gag on his little chihuahua or get him the hell out of town. And someone needs to start up fireozzieguillen.com.

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: March 6, 2007

Well, laa-dee-fucking-daa, we won a game! Lots of catching up to do. Sorry I didn’t write over the weekend, but I was too busy shitting bricks about this team. Good God. When you people say “curse,” you just mean “this team sucks at everything fundamental about the game of baseball,” right?

Never forget.

Don’t think we’ve forgotten about Pearl Harbor, you son of a bitch.

Zambrano has already lost his fucking mind, saying that we’re going to win the World Series. This team couldn’t win the College World Series. Of course, hardly any of them went to college. Except Prior and Samardzija. And of those two, one acts like a girl, and the other one has pretty hair like a girl, so shove your schoolbooks straight up your ass. What was I saying again? Oh, yeah. Z is nuts.

To recap our pitching: Wood has an 18″ penis, Lilly looked very good, Marquis is guaranteed to suck, Zambrano is guaranteed to be awesome, and you might want to consider selling any of your autographed Prior memorabilia now before it’s too late.

Not that it’s news, but Ozzie Guillen is a complete ramrod. I’ll have more on that story later, but take it from me. I’m going to enjoy bending him over a Gatorade jug six times this year. Cover your bunghole, mang.

I hope you bastards tuned in yesterday to watch me on “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.” You didn’t? Yeah, I guess that Gumbel is pretty annoying. To tell you the truth, I didn’t even watch it. It was bad enough sitting through the interview.

So, the Tribune, Buster Olney, and this crappy rag ALL ran stories over the weekend about a Fire Lou Piniella site, and not ONE of them mentioned this site. Yet this site does! What the hell is a “Desipio”?! Ha ha! Fuck you, Kermit!

Felix Pie is pretty good, but I’m worried. With a name like that, it’s only a matter of time before Hendry puts a big scoop of ice cream on his head and devours him.

Did I mention I’m already sick of this shit?

Oh, and if you were wondering, former Cub Jerry Hairston Jr. had to have been using the wrong kind of performance-enhancing drug. His performance was about as enhanced as mine in bed after drinking whiskey for 10 straight hours.

Funny story. I walked into the clubhouse the other day, and Barrett was freaking beating the hell out of his junk with a baseball bat! I grabbed him, and I was like, “Barrett, what the fuck are you doing?!” He said, “I’m testing out this new cup I bought to protect my damaged balls. It doesn’t seem to work very well.” I looked down at the bench next to him, and I said, “You mean that cup?!” He looked all sick, and then he passed out. Jesus, he’s not too bright, is he?

Well, I have to run. Me and Rothschild are going to take Prior on a snipe hunt. A long, looooooooong snipe hunt.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

#79: Marvell Wynne”? More Like Marvell Lose!”

Remind me again. What exactly was Marvell Wynne good at? I don’t remember him being good in the field. I don’t remember him being good at the plate. I don’t remember him being good on the basepaths. And he’s certainly not very good at signing his own name.

Pick me out a Wynner, Bobby.

What is it exactly that you’d say you do here?

Then, I checked Baseball Reference, and I was correct in not remembering any of those things. The Cubs got Wynne from the San Diego Padres in 1989 in a blockbuster deal that also brought Luis Salazar to the North Side. And the Cubs only had to give up Calvin Schiraldi and Darrin Jackson! Imagine that!

Wynne reeked up the North Side through the 1990 season, when he was sold to Japan for some computer chips which, at the time, were the size of a room.

Low Point: In the heartbreaking 1989 NLCS against the San Francisco Giants, Wynne, like pretty much everyone but Mark Grace, didn’t show up, collecting a worthless single in 6 at-bats.

Did You Know? Wynne’s son, Marvell Wynne II: The Sequel, plays in the MLS on Red Bull New York. Did you also know that corporate sponsorship for the MLS is ridiculous?


Who is Lou offending today?

Ozzie Guillen, mang.

How Angry Is Lou Today?

Lou! Hot as a Kerry Wood fastball.

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Older Posts

The Bottom 126 Cubs of My Lifetime

1. Todd Hundley

2. Neifi Perez

3. Alex Gonzalez

4. LaTroy Hawkins

5. Fred McGriff

6. Corey Patterson

7. Mel Rojas

8. Jeff Blauser

9. Antonio Alfonseca

10. Juan Pierre

11. Shawn Estes

12. Felix Heredia

13. Julian Tavarez

14. Kyle Farnsworth

15. Mark Prior

16. Kent Mercker

17. Moises Alou

18. Dave Veres

19. Jose Macias

20. Lenny Harris

21. Jose Hernandez

22. Jacque Jones

23. The Unnamed Pitchers of the 90s

24. Freddy Bynum

25. Jerry Hairston, Jr.

26. Scott Williamson

27. Tony Womack

28. Andy Pratt

29. Will Ohman

30. Phil Nevin

31. Jeff Fassero

32. Ronny Cedeno

33. Brant Brown

34. Roosevelt Brown

35. Jason Dubois

36. Wade Miller

37. Mark Guthrie

38. Sergio Mitre

39. Juan Cruz

40. Gabor Paul II Bako

41. Ryan Dempster

42. Mike Remlinger

43. Glendon Rusch

44. Nomar Garciaparra

45. Gary Matthews, Jr.

46. Matt Clement

47. Gary Gaetti

48. Bobby Hill

49. Benito Santiago

50. Jerome Williams

51. Roberto Novoa

52. David Kelton

53. Todd Wellemeyer

54. Shane Andrews

55. Darrin Jackson

56. Frank DiPino/Terry Francona

57. John Mabry

58. Curtis Wilkerson

59. Hee Seop Choi

60. Cesar Izturis

61. Rick Wilkins

62. Jon Garland

63. Augie Ojeda

64. Jerome Walton

65. Jae Kuk Ryu

66. Todd Hollandsworth

67. Karl "Tuffy" Rhodes

68. Willie Greene

69. Michael Tucker

70. Damon Berryhill

71. Jon Leicester

72. Mitch Webster

73. Curtis/Tom Goodwin

74. Jody Gerut

75. Jim Sundberg

76. Steve Buechele

77. Darren Lewis

78. Rey Ordonez

79. Marvell Wynne

80. Tyler Houston

81. Amaury Telemaco

82. Kevin Roberson

83. Damian Jackson

84. Doug Dascenzo

85. Ismael Valdez

86. Matt Karchner

87. Jeff Huson

88. Jose Nieves

89. Ross Gload

90. Chad Hermansen

91. Luis Salazar

92. Mike Hubbard

93. Delino DeShields

94. Matt Lawton

95. Howard Johnson

96. Rondell White

97. Turk Wendell

98. Ray King

99. Gary Scott

100. Steve Rain

101. Kevin Orie

102. Rey Sanchez

103. Francis Beltran

104. Paul Noce

105. Enrique Wilson

106. Ruben Quevedo

107. Damon Buford

108. Brooks Kieschnick

109. Damian Miller

110. Scott Bullett

111. Rick Aguilera

112. Chad Meyers

113. Gary Varsho

114. Jason Bere

115. Troy O'Leary

116. Chico Walker

117. Rick Wrona

118. Leo Gomez

119. Chris Stynes

120. Dan Plesac

121. Robert Machado

122. Julio Zuleta

123. Todd Zeile

124. Chad Fox

125. Adam Greenberg

126. Sandy Martinez

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