You Can’t Spell “Cuban” Without “Cub”; Also, Without “Ban”

The online version of Radar Magazine reports that billionaire Mark Cuban, whose Lloyd Christmas hair belies the fact that he is living most men’s fantasies, is going absolutely bonkers trying to buy the Cubs off the Tribune Company. Cuban is throwing around money like he’s Jim Hendry hooked up to an EKG machine on a Krispy Kreme high.

The face of a savior? Possibly the face of a serial killer? Time will tell.

The free-spending, wild-eyed, short-tempered Cuban could be a pleasant change of pace for Cubs fans used to the traditionally stingy ownership of the Cubs by the Tribune Company.

If Cuban ends up buying the Cubs, they might want to consider hiring Joe Mikulik as a bench coach.

The perfect storm caused by bringing together Lou Piniella, Cuban, and Mikulik could make for some interesting moments on the North Side.

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: February 28, 2007

It’s the last day of February, and you know what that means. No more celebrating black history! Starting tomorrow, I can be as mean to Jacque Jones as I want to be! It’s going to be great! I know you panty-wearers are dying for a diary update, so I won’t keep you.

Hey, Jim, thanks for the cool shortstop action figure, but who is seriously going to play short this year?

It’s admirable that Bruce Miles is still flying the “Dempster is the closer not Wood” flag. Wood is ready to go, and I can’t imagine I’d leave Dempster in there for long if he sucks as bad as he did last year. I give it another week until even Miles gives up and realizes that Dempster is about as good at closing as Jason Marquis is at starting. Holy crap, both of those guys are on our roster, aren’t they? Muskrat screwed up another one of my interviews, suggesting that I’m “happy with Dempster.” What I said was, “I’m happy with Dempster bloated and floating face down in a hot tub.” Simple mistake.

Soriano had better hit 40 homers and swipe 40 bases. If that roided up freak show Canseco can do it, Soriano can. By the way, Canseco, how did that 1990 World Series work out for you? Hmm? How was it? Did you and your “butt bash brother” have a nice time? Hmm? Heavily favored going into that Series, weren’t you? What’s that? I couldn’t hear you? “Yes, Coach Piniella, we were heavily favored”? Is that what you said? Who won that Series, anyhow? The Reds? Really? It must have gone seven games, since you were so heavily favored, right? No? Really? Only four games? Wow.

Well, that’s all for me today, kids. You may have noticed less swearing in this installment of my diary. My wife made me give up swearing for Lent. Wait. I don’t think that means I can’t write swears. Cock balls shit. Awesome. See you soon, sluts.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

#85: Ismael “Exxon” Valdez

I assume that, when the Cubs acquired Ismael Valdez from the Dodgers in a trade, they thought they were getting the sub-4.00 ERA guy who generally threw around 200 innings and won around 10 games. Perhaps they were forgetting that Dodger Stadium is a more pitcher-friendly park than Wrigley Field, because instead they got these guys:

Okay, can any of you throw a decent slider?

The Dodgers got away from Valdez just in the nick of time (except for the part when the Cubs broke him and traded him back to the Dodgers). The Cubs, on the other hand, got the catastrophic oil spill version of Valdez. Valdez got shelled in the 12 starts he made as a Cub in the summer of 2000, giving up 17 homeruns and 27 walks in those starts while compiling a 5.37. But, hey! At least the Cubs got E.Y. in the Valdez trade, too! Right? Right, guys?

Furthermore, Valdez got more blisters on his hands while pitching than a 14-year-old Josh Beckett wearing sandpaper gloves in a Wisconsin cheese-and-porn shop.  The guy’s skin could get rubbed off by a stiff wind.  Thanks to Slaky for reminding me of how fragile Valdez’s hands were.

Low Point: When the Cubs score 15 runs against the Montreal Expos, they should win, right? Especially on a day when Damon Buford homers and Henry Rodriguez has 7 RBIs, right? Right? Ismael Valdez says, “NO!” May 14, 2000. Valdez gives up 9 earned runs, 6 walks, and 3 home runs in 3.2 innings against the Expos. Equally nut-crushing was the fact that the Cubs rallied from 2 down in the top of the 9th to take a 2-run lead into the bottom of the 9th. Rick Aguilera came in and promptly gave up 3. Cubs lose 15-16.

Did You Know? Up until the 2004 season, Valdez spelled his last name “Valdes.” You can run from The Bottom 126, Ismael, but you can’t hide.

Santo on Suicide Watch

Former Cubs third baseman Ron Santo came up five votes shy of being inducted by the Veterans Committee into the Hall of Fame.

Santo’s family could not be reached for comment, as they were packing up all of the sharp objects in Santo’s home, cutting all rope into 3-foot lengths, throwing away their toasters, permanently disabling their garage door opener with the door stuck in an open position, and throwing away all DVD copies of This Old Cub.

The Veterans Committee, made up of colossal douchebags like Joe Morgan and Mike Schmidt, did not elect anyone into the 2007 Hall of Fame class. Santo received the most votes (57) of any players on the ballot for 69.5% of the vote. He was 5 votes shy of the requisite 75%.

#86: Matt Karchner? “I barely even know her!”

If the Jon Garland for Matt Karchner trade doesn’t stick in your craw, you, sir, have an enormous craw. In late July of 1998 the Cubs were in second place, 3 1/2 games behind Houston, but also 3 games ahead of the Mets in the Wild Card race. They needed an arm. They got a Karchner.

Whatcha throwin’? A baseball? I like baseball.

The Cubs gave up a young prospect by the name of Jon Garland, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil. He helped the Emperor- Wait. He went on to establish himself as a solid fifth starter, has won 36 games in the past two seasons for the White Sox, and finished 6th in the Cy Young voting in 2005, the year he won his World Series ring.

Karchner, on the other hand, pitched a meager 60.7 innings for the Cubs over 2 1/2 seasons before being released in September of 2000. In case you’re keeping score, that’s 1159.7 innings fewer than Garland has pitched since the trade.

Low Point: NLDS. Game 1. The Cubs get all they can possibly expect out of Game 1 starter Mark Clark, as he goes 6 innings and allows only 4 runs, 2 earned to the slugging Atlanta Braves. Clark walks Braves starter John Smoltz to start the 7th inning. Enter Felix Heredia. Walt Weiss bunts and Smoltz is out at second on a fielder’s choice. The Cubs have hope! Heredia walks the next two, loading the bases with one out.  “Damn you, Felix Heredia!” screams a young Kermit, nervously biting his nails. Enter Matt Karchner. He gets Andres Gallaraga to pop out! Two outs! The Cubs may get out of this one! No, young Kermit. Enter Ryan Klesko. Exit ball. Grand slam. 7-0 Braves. Game (and series) pretty much out of reach.

Did You Know? As recently as 2004, Karchner was the baseball coach at Susquehanna University. I’m impressed that Karchner can spell Susquehanna University.

Sweet Uncle Lou’s Spring Training Diary: February 26, 2007

God damnit. I didn’t get a chance to write this weekend because Daryl Ward sat on my laptop, so now I’m all backed up. I’ll try to catch up. Here we go.

Here I am showing the guys how to swim. In the desert.

Gerry Perry already has these idiots practicing swinging more than they did under Baker. Wait. Wasn’t them swinging too much the whole problem last year? I gotta remember to go talk to Perry.

buggy-whip: (v.) to swing an object rapidly at another object so as to accelerate an second object to a ludicrous speed

Usage: A Boston Globe reporter wrote a completely pointless article, so I buggy-whipped him with my johnson.

“Prior is going to be held back,” I say, two days after tickets go on sale. “Just kidding! Prior is starting our fifth Spring Training game,” I say yesterday. You Cubs fans are too easy. Go wash out your skidmarks.

This dude invented a fridge that catapults your beer into your hand. On a related note, I finally found a use for Marquis.

Ha ha! Trammell got caught giving a shit whether someone was okay! Nerd!

You know what would be awesome? If Hendry sent Jacque Jones down to the minors during the spring to “get him some more at-bats,” and then never called him back up. That would be as hilarious as the time I pantsed Rothschild in the middle of a practice and started pointing and yelling “Eenie meenie tiny weenie!” Seriously. Tiny.

In case you woke up this morning all optimistic and bright-eyed, keep in mind that I have declared Marquis my number one starter. Ha ha! Just kidding. Only in Spring Training. Seriously, though, Marquis fucking SUCKED last year, and he’s our fifth starter. Not to mention the fact that you probably throw harder than Wade Miller. Now go find yourself a length of rope.

Bruce Miles writes a brilliant article. Why is it brilliant? Because it’s about me. All me. It’s about me kicking ass. It’s about me winning games. It’s about me cock-punching that stupid goat. Read it. Love me.

This article is ridiculous because they didn’t post any of my real answers to the reporter’s questions. The real answers are below.

1. One thing on your nightstand: A box of Big Jimmy Extra-Large Condoms. Some used. Some not.

2. One thing on a wall in your living room: Hendry’s balls.

3. One thing you have in your house from your childhood: Naked pictures of the first girl I banged. When I was 12.

4. Three condiments we would find in your refrigerator: Extra Fucking Spicy Tabasco Sauce, K-Y Jelly, Marshmallow Fluff.

5. Three things we would find in your medicine cabinet: I’ll tell you what you wouldn’t find: Viagra, deodorant, tampons (unlike Prior’s).

6. Do your dirty dishes go in the sink or dishwasher? Back in the cupboard.

7. If you had to save one thing from your home, what would it be? My gun collection <kisses biceps>

8. What is the biggest collection in your home? See #7

9. What reading material would we find in your bathroom? Porn. I like stuff with 2 or 3 chicks.

10. If we looked under your bed, what would we find? Jason Marquis. That guy is in my fucking nightmares.

Wood still looks good. Not that kind of wood, you queers.

Mike Harkey is the new AAA pitching coach. When is this Kermit asshole gonna get to that pansy on his little list?

Oh, crap. I have to get going. I’m late for a “coaches’ meeting.” Yep. I have to go meet Coach Daniels, Coach Walker, and Coach Cuervo. Talk to you soon, fools.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

#87: Jeff Huson, “We Have a Problem”

Jeff Huson’s career slugging percentage is nine points lower than his career on base percentage, meaning Huson is the Major League equivalent of the kid in Pony League who went up to bat praying that either (a) the pitcher threw him 4 straight balls, (b) he could fall down, cry, and pretend that he got beaned on the first pitch he sees, or (c) the field would explode in a brilliant flash of blinding light before he stepped into the batters’ box.

An emaciated Jeff Huson takes his warm-up swings.

It takes a near Zen-like commitment to being weak to slug below your on-base percentage. It takes dedication, aversion to weights, inability to square up a baseball, and a lot of sand kicked in one’s face. Huson had all of those things. Hence, 8 home runs in a 12-year career. Guess how many came as a Cub? Do you even need to check to see if you’re right?

Low Point: Huson didn’t hit a home run from 1998 until the end of his career in 2000. He appeared in 217 games in that time, and had 626 at-bats. To put that in perspective, that’s 78 games longer and 232 at-bats more than Paul Bako’s longest home run drought.

Did You Know? Last year, Huson was a part-time color analyst for the Colorado Rockies. That actually makes me feel good about my job.

#88: Jose “Wishes He Was Valentin, But is Just” Nieves

Is it time yet for another crappy middle infielder? I think so. I give you Jose Nieves.

He’s like Jose Valentin. Only with no power, a worse mustache, and similarly bad defensive ability.

Jose Nieves was one of those “no stick, great glove” guys, only he forgot about the “great glove” part. In fact, he pretty much forgot a glove entirely. Seriously. In 1999, Nieves committed 16 errors at shortstop in only 52 games. That is outstandingly bad. That is “just grow a tree out at short and hope the ball runs into it” bad. That’s, well, Jose Valentin bad. It probably doesn’t help Nieves’s “Bottom 126” case that he looks and plays defense like Valentin, one of my least favorite human beings of all time. Or perhaps it does?

Low Point: Hey, Jose. Word of advice. When Daniel Garibay goes 7 innings, strikes out 6 Colorado Rockies, and only gives up 1 earned run, that’s a game you need to win. Going 0-3 with 3 strikeouts doesn’t do anyone any good, which is what Nieves did on August 1, 2000.

Did You Know? Nieves once slew a Giant. It was the highlight of his career.

#89: Ross “Dropped a Big” Gload “In His Pants”

Ross Gload, you lied to us. You were a hot prospect we got from the Marlins in 2000 who tricked us into thinking you were crap, so we didn’t protect you and lost you to Colorado. As it turns out, you developed into a pretty damn good fourth outfielder while you were in Chicago. On the South Side. You bastard.

We don’t miss you. We like Cliff Floyd.

While Gload is sitting at home polishing his World Series ring, I wonder if he ever thinks about that team on the North Side of Chicago who gave him his first Major League at-bats. And I wonder if he feels bad for “rewarding” them by hitting .197 and slugging .355. And then I wonder why I’m wondering about Ross Gload polishing his ring. And then I get confused and angry and yell at my dogs. Thanks a lot, Ross.

Low Point: In 2000, in games in which Gload made an appearance, the Cubs went 3-15, good for a meager .167 winning percentage. I blame Gload.

Did You Know? This past offseason, the Sox traded Gload to the Kansas City Royals for another one-time Cub prospect, Andy Sisco.

Another Cub Graces the Cover of Sports Illustrated

Congratulations, Mark. Nine days into Spring Training, and you’re still alive.